A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
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My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Here’s a meme