A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

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Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.



The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.


I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes


*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*


*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*


If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.


Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.


Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.


I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.


BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star