A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
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Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”