A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
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DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*