a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
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Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I’m giving up for Lent.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
This is I, Robot all over again
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.