“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
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“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
A man of commitment.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”