A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
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Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Most fashion shows these days…
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.