A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
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ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
My first child will be named New Folder.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
👾👾👾
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?