A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
This one’s “Alex”.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
