A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

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You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.


If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.


My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?


My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.


Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.


The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.


What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?


If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”


me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what