@Molly_Kats

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

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@TheAdly

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

@zacharyflynn

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

@Tbone7219

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

@Aspersioncast

My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

@Cheeseboy22

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

@rickygervais

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

@Aspersioncast

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

@Matt_The_1st

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

@seancehat

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what