A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
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[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Just parrot things
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..