A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
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NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
*updates tinder bio*
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.