A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
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Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
me: i鈥檓 so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn鈥檛 do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
馃敳 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
馃敳 Good at building blanket forts
馃敳 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
馃敳 toilet paper roll goes OVER
馃敳 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..