A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
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[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.