A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
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*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
dads on road-trips be like
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Love is always patient and kind.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.