A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

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My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.


Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce


I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead


I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.


[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen


I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.


I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you


On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.


#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?