A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
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If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I saw this ending much differently.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.