@wumother

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

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@blueeyesgreene

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

@AndyAsAdjective

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

@Smooheed

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

@Yankeegiant72

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

@tastefactory

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

@PMTheron1

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

@BadMikeyBad

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

@JasonLastname

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

@nekolot

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?