A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
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“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.