A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
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“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.