A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
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Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me