a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
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(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Big Sex has us all fooled
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.