A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
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7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Teamwork makes the dream work.