A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
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My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.