a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
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My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Received some very disappointing news today
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.