a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
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No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I didn’t come here to be called names
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR