A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
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Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I need this for my side hustle.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.