A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.