A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
You Might Also Like
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Respect
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers