@PieChord

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

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@fro_vo

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

@DothTheDoth

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

@Havish_AF

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

@mommajessiec

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

@TheBoydP

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

@BrogaPants

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

@BobTheSuit

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.