A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

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Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America


Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.


When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?


I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.


The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.


what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”


The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.