A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
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My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
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My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
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The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?