“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
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You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked