A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
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I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
how much for the angry fruit?
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Peace was never an option
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
And then there were 4