A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
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ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.