A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
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Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent