A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
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Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Mistakes were made
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
rest in peas
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”