A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
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Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.