A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
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wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
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Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.