A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
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“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat