A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

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Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?


Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.


She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.


Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!


‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.


Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?


When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?


What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?


What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?