A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
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Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.