@WilliamAder

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

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@Marlebean

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

@SCbchbum

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

@slimmy_shady

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

@KattsDogma

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

@CulturedRuffian

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

@

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

@ChickenFrecklez

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

@Aspersioncast

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

@IronBiggie

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?