My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
You Might Also Like
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..