A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
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*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
selfie game
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.