A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
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Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds