A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
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Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert