A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
You Might Also Like
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity