A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
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You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings