@TragicAllyHere [Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
@Token_Geezer A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
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@TragicAllyHere 
@fluffysuse Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
@Jandalize Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
@thepunningman “The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
@Tbone7219 Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
@MelvinofYork I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
@jonnysun be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
@ricsem As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
@LurkAtHomeMom My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
@AnkCoupleTO Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please