A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

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[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”


Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.


Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.


“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”


I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard


be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge


As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.


My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*


Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please