A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
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Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
My life in a nutshell
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.