A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
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It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.