A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
You Might Also Like
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
@ candidates for local office
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks