A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
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I love the National Park Service.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁