Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
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One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote