A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
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“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers