@GloriaFallon123

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

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@kelkulus

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

@ahamedweinberg

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

@Token_Geezer

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

@TheTweetOfGod

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

@QwertyJones3

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

@DadSetAgainst

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

@IDontSpeakWhine

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

@Brianhopecomedy

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

@TheToddWilliams

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

@Spaziotwat

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper