A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
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Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Happy thanksgiving
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
How wrong was this guy?
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?