A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
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[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I need better friends
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Not all heroes wear capes…
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.