A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Day 2 of my diet
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?