A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
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me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
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I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
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A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Now, where’s the sport in that?
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REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.