A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
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Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!